A Diary of the Depressed

 Depression: a single word with weight like a ton of metal, weighing down on the heart, weighing down on the soul. 

We can explain depression as a clinical disease or something that should be diagnosed, but it is far deep than that. 

To think depression has a definite explanation or cure, is to not know depression at all. 

You know, it starts out different for each one of us, sometimes we associate it with feelings of love, hate, anger, sadness, and emotions we can't even name. 

Other times it's simply unexplained, the answer to the question of  'what is wrong' or 'why the sad look', is often met with a blank reply, a shrug here or the commonest reply: 'i'm fine'. 

How do we even begin to answer what we don't know ourselves.

At that moment, when all we can see is dark, when all we know is that terrible feeling of hopelessness, yes! that's it, hopelessness. A feeling of loss at live's many joys.

There's an absence of Joy and love in our lives, we feel broken inside and out, and worst of all, it hurts.

Maybe it doesn't last, or it's comes like the season, or it's just there and all we can do is wrap ourselves in falsehoods and skin deep pretenses. All we do know for certain, all we can feel but might not name is that it's there, depression, yes we can feel it.

One person regardless of what they tell us can never fully describe what it means to be depressed, one person can not give causes to what ails millions of people in different ways, and most especially, one person can not give a solution to something so vast and different.

So read our hearts and feel what we feel...

Bad days are inevitable, but I feel like I'm in one of them every single day.

It always starts looking like something good can come out of it.

It's until you near the ending of the day that you realize it.

You'll realize that you're only just delaying the inevitable. 

They always end the same way, with me on my bed, thinking about how and where it all went south.

Trying to trace everything out, with every single detail in place. 

But I can't seem to find the source of the feeling.

What feeling?

The emptiness, that's the feeling.

In light of my futile attempts to find a cure for my dilemma, I mislead everyone else. 

I dislike sharing my problems, a fatal flaw I seem to have developed. 

So I smile.

A smile can cover the hurt inside.

A smile is the only true art of deception I know. 

That's why I'm always smiling, because there can't possibly be anything wrong with me when I smile...

Right?

-The young master🌹

To have feelings is not a sign of weakness. If such your parent saw you as one but Having Feelings shows your strength to take responsibility. 

I have been in circle that still breaks me till date, I have tried a lot of possible anti-depressants like Music, Spoken words, Act of Substitute, etc aside drugs. I have tried to question myself if love is for me. My society reminds me of how broken I am. The African society of Polygamous set up, Act of Unfaithfulness.

I'm little by little turning to something I'm not but will I find love like that?

There is a defection from being Faithful to being a unfaithful.

What a pity that at the end it won't get me anywhere. Where is Love in this Jet age? Can it really be in the jobs I do to get paid so I can have tons of "turn up Fridays" in order to blind my heart from being responsible to another? 

I'm sick and torn apart because of the word "Emotion". My emotions led me to do things that I won't easily do for anyone. I tried to get rid of the love but it's still present, why can't I just get rid of it? it is meant to be in the past but anytime I see her I'm weakened, there is a pause in my world, total imbalance, my thought doesn't progress at all. I want to please her, make her happy, do her bidding in need of some kind of validation from her.

I never said a lie to her especially when I told her that I love Her.

But I lied to myself, telling myself hat She loves me. 

Time passed by quickly and I got to the stage where I started questioning myself, maybe I wasn't good enough, maybe

She once looked like heaven but now is hell envisioned.

I feel like I'm on a journey of which return is unlikely. I'm broken because she whom I've chosen to take this journey of love with has lost faith in our love. I'm still learning to Love and also Hate and have come to realize that there is no evil in Love, it is humans that make it complicated and difficult. Hatred bears no hurt to whom it is directed except actions are taken. Here I am with my emotions, driving around in my entirety. I am crying out for someone to come tie me down in true love, I don't believe I'm complicated, shy? yes I am, but won't place you in dilemma to let go.

We Increase & Decrease, Link up & Separate, Create & Destroy. This Life isn't balanced, let's not act as though things will be rosy, it never is. Let's prepare for both the best and the worse. You're not perfect, neither am I and we can learn to love ourselves. What's charming can still cause Harm.  As sometimes love doesn't always happen before the union but can also be grown after.

                                                     - Anonymous 

 

I know when it approaches, yes I do, like a the flashes of thunder and lightning hails the coming of a storm, I know deep down when it comes.

like dominoes falling to the ground, the pieces that make me, me begin to fall away. 

I descend slowly, deeper and deeper into that sad and terrible place.

I just want to cry out, I just want someone to tell me it gets better, Or that I'm still me...

Right now all I can see is the troubles, the burdens, life's expectations and the countless things I am and want to be, that I have to hide, that I have to shut up deep within me.

It gets worse sometimes, then I feel it slipping away, and I'm at the edge of the precipice, ready to plummet into sweet quiet nothing.

A nothing were I can't feel what I feel, just nothing...

- anonymous.

I'm at a cross where I'm stuck and can't think of a way out.

I'm at a point where I can't think my way out.

The days I walked with some air of confidence is gone

Now I just walk like the entire cosmos rests it's entire weight on me 

only my heart can understand the things my head thinks

my eyes try to speak the language your brain can understand 

But it seems I'm too lost to even know what my problem is.

                            - Penspeak

 

We don't seek to glorify depression, or to give the enemy of our beings a voice but we know that to first defeat an enemy, you must know that enemy.

And that is what we do, we share our stories, and our feelings so we can know that we are never alone in the struggle against depression, and together we can beat back its hold on us and see the light that God has put in everyone of us.

So, these are our stories, our feelings and what we hide deep within us, this is a diary of the depressed.

Thank you for joining us on this short journey, we hope to bring you more from our diary of the depressed but to do that we need your words and your stories in whatever way you can. 

To see your story among our diaries entries, you can send us a message in the comment section or email us at nnodireginald4@gmail.com or nanauwakmfon@gmail.com, 

Thank you and stay safe.